Tassavur- The Image in Memories

Memories just flow. In Today’s times we can manipulate most feelings.

Normal people have the ability enact their roles perfectly. They do not get stuck on things like emotions. They choose to feel selectively. In our quest to lead perfect lives we have transformed into people that pretend to live perfect lives. The Perfection in our lives is only visible on social media.

The Only thing I guess we have not been able to achieve control over is memories.

We are hit by memories suddenly and randomly. We might be listening to a romantic song. we might be thinking about something. Without a prior notice or pre alert we just happen to see a flashback and it makes us emote instantly

Such were her memories. They just made me smile. A simple thought of her would make me feel so awesome. I had chosen to manipulate myself many times. I had tried to make myself believe that I do not love her. But I just could not stop her memories from suddenly playing in my head from time to time.

Mansi Chaudhry, She was 22 when I had left her. I had thought she was restricting me. I was not prepared to settle down. I hated the stability. I had just left without saying a goodbye.

When I think about it today, it makes me cringe. How could I possibly be so heartless ?

 

Myself , Abhishek Chauhan, I was one of the richest Indians living in New York . However i had always regretted my decision to run away from Indore in my quest to become rich and famous.

The only person i missed was her. There had never been a moment where i had not hoped that she would be living it with me.

 

We had met in the strangest possible way. I was getting drenched in rain and she had offered me some space in her umbrella.

 

 

The rain in itself is harmless. But those glistening rain drops falling on her face had the power to make me entranced in those days

In these days they cause tremendous agony.

When i look back i realize that it was ten years ago. In my journey to make millions i somewhere lost my sense of time.

I have achieved everything today. Life has brought me to a stage where all dreams have been conquered. My success story has been worth the cover story of a magazine. But today at this point i feel saturated. I have felt the vacuum. i have lived with the emptiness. But i cannot survive like this anymore.

I had packed my bags at one stage. I wanted to venture out of this place and go to my homeland. i wanted to search for that girl. She had flawless skin, perfectly sculpted features and a laughter that would make me forget all the problems of the world. Her tresses falling on her face had made me spellbound. The way she had looked at me had made me fall head over heels in love with her. I was still completely smitten by her.

Ten years is a long time. She might be married by now. She might even given birth to an angel or a prince. i just could not muster the courage to go back to my homeland.

 

The issue had been commitment . She wanted me to take up a regular job.There was a lot of pressure on her for marriage. She could not introduce me to her parents as i was not earning anything. i was just a dreamer. i was not sure what i will do with my life. I was not made for these mundane routines. I wanted to set up my own success story. I wanted to make it big on my own. Her constant nagging and those preachy sessions were getting onto my nerves.

My family was giving me stress too. I had to just leave or this would have made me insane.

She told me jokingly that she would nod and give her approval  if a marriage prospect came along

 

I decided to leave her behind. I got my visa and scholarship and migrated without informing anyone. i left no trace behind. I wanted to start a new life and leave my past behind completely.  I had never looked back until I got tired of my quest for material pleasures and I started seeking for some soul satisfaction.

 

It was new year’s eve when the sky was lit up with firecrackers i had wished to see her again, meet her again and have her in my life again.

 

I had a read a book by Paulo Coelho that stated “when your heart truly desires something, the whole universe conspires to help you achieve that thing, simply because it is a desire that originated from the soul of the world.”-

 

I had never imagined that it will happen in real life. She was right in front of me. I could not believe my eyes. I was seeing her walk past the shopping arcade. She looked extremely glamorous.Her persona had gone through a drastic change. She looked more confident and stylish.Her enticing eyes i once was addicted to, were covered by shades. Her body language looked flamboyant.

Unlike normal people who would walk up to their object of desire and start a healthy conversation, I started stalking her. I followed her.i was hiding myself on the opposite street, taking small glances at her.  i guess she lived there The feeling had to sink in. i had to still come to terms with the fact that she was here. I had to accept the fact that she was in the same city as me.

I still remember those scintillating memories at the lake.Hours passed by without uttering a word. Those memories have a pleasant aroma. it was her fragrance that marked those memories. That fragrance made me feel at peace. Her sparkling eyes and that miniscule bindi that had my eyes fixated at her forehead.

Her laughter still echoes whenever i remember those days. I want them again. My Soul needs that peace again. The Peace i felt when she held my hands or when she rested her head on my shoulder. After hours of stalking her, I had finally decided to talk to her again.

Before i could thrill her, destiny had other plans for me. The Car I was hiding behind took off leaving me exposed. She walked up to me with a smile.

 

We shook hands and she smiled coyly. She was so calm. There was no shouting and no drama. She chose to remain silent and walk with me. She chose to ignore the fact that we had spent some awesome memories together. .

i wanted to confront her. How could she forget those beautiful memories that i live with?

I was walking besides her but my attempts to strike a conversation were futile. Almost a decade had gone by. I had forgotten the usual way we spoke. Did we communicate in English or Hindi? How did i address her? How should i address her?.

i finally uttered “ Did you Miss me”

“There wasn’t a single moment where I did not remember you  “She said and wiped tears from her eyes.

I was so thrilled and excited. It all seemed normal again. I had found my peace. Her fragrance filled my car as she sat next to me. It was going to be the best day of my life.

i was on cloud nine.

We planned a date. I took her to the most romantic place in the city. It was a tropical rainforest where we held hands and kept walking. She spoke endlessly. There were so many stories she had to tell me about the village, the neighbours, her parents, my parents. I felt so connected to her once again. i felt like i was living a dream. She was right there speaking like she always did. It seemed like we had picked up the conversation from where we had last left it.

 

We were dancing in my fanciful dimly lit room to the tunes of old melodies of bollywood. “Babuji dheere chalna, pyar mein zara sambhalnaa”. it all seemed like a fairy tale. The music and her presence made me intoxicated. i was high on life. It was turning into the most beautiful evening of my life. My craving for her had surpassed all boundaries. The Passion had been ignited. I wanted to love her like there is no tomorrow. I lifted her in my arms. we satiated all our desires that night.

It felt like i had stopped breathing at one point and now i was breathing again. Her fragrance seemed to be like oxygen to my soul. i had been longing for her and i had been extremely lucky to have found her again when i was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

 

I woke up with a satisfied smile. My life was now complete had everything and i had an awesome someone to share my achievements with..i called out to her and stretched my arms.

 

I heard no response.

I walked around my house in disbelief. She was nowhere to be found. i called her her number in desperation but it was not reachable. I looked for her everywhere but she was nowhere to be found. I tried to reach her in India. All her relatives and friends gave me cooked up stories i felt.

 

I even went to her village and various cities where she could have been. It was her turn. She had taken her revenge. She had decided to give me a taste of my own medicine. She had found me, loved me and then She had suddenly disappeared without a trace. I was exasperated. In today’s times when it is extremely easy to locate someone using social media, i was stranded in the middle of nowhere trying to find my peace that had just chosen to leave me.

 

Well i really love twist ending in films. But life offered me a twist ending.

© Jitendra Kotai